On Monday Stacy woke up different. It was obvious to me, she was animated, smiley, there was a spring in her step, she kissed me. It was lovely to see her so happy and so back to her old self, I hadn’t noticed just how unhappy she had become. It wasn’t until the contrast of the old Stacy came back that it was so noticeable.
Just as she was about to leave for work she said to me ‘you need to think about if you are willing to carry again’ to which I felt a bit stunned. I didn’t have that much time to think about it on Monday as I was at work, but it certainly implanted the seed of thought into my mind.
On Tuesday I mulled it over, there was a little more discussion on the matter.
On Wednesday I said in the morning, I want to be thinner if I am to be pregnant again. Today I shall diet, to which we both laughed.
We talked about it properly in the evening. Stacy is concerned about the age gap forming between our children. We always intended for our children to come quickly with small gaps for many reasons. It has been over a year of trying with Stacy, we should have our baby by now if our plans had succeeded. Stacy has been thinking back over her life. Her cycles have always been dead regular, almost to the hour, no matter how much she has weighed, how many exercise she has done, what she has been eating etc… she thinks that even with Metformin there is a chance she will never ovulate, and that if she were ever to ovulate, it may take many months to get there.
I think Stacy has been in a grieving process the last couple of months. Ever since that awful doctors appointment. She has come to terms with what might never happen.
We have decided to swap back to trying with me for the next few tries whilst she continues to take the medication.
The plan is as follows:
Me to start trying (next try will be sometime next week!) whilst she still takes the meds and keeps getting blood tests.
If I am not pregnant and she starts ovulating, we shall switch back to her.
If I get pregnant and she starts ovulating, hell we shall try for 4 children (eek!)
If she never shows any signs of ovulating she tried her best and can never look back with regret, but perhaps with a tinge of sadness.
I asked her, ‘if I get pregnant will you feel anything other than joy?’ My amazing Stacy said that she would be lying if she said that there would be no jealousy whatsoever, but joy would be the main emotion at that time. I admire her control over her emotions. I called her a Vulcan at this point, and she laughed.
So I am also in a weird place. I do feel immense sadness for Stacy, for what she is giving up and I had imagined her as a beautiful pregnant lady with a lovely bump. I had imagined myself as a supportive birth partner, I had pictured her breastfeeding and making a brilliant job of it. I am mourning these things also.
I am excited for what I am about to do again, but also a bit scared. I have prevented myself imagining myself pregnant again for fear of getting attached to the idea, and this is why I am feeling the way I am right now. This morning I took my temp, took my folic acid, and peed on an ovulation stick, all things I thought I would never do again. Things Stacy has been doing for over a year.
Neither of us can cope with the idea of stopping at 2 children. We said how can we sell everything? It was all meant to be used again! There has always been a third child in our visions.
If I am lucky enough to fall again we shall do things a bit differently this time. I am going to encourage her to induce lactation, I know she is a bit dubious about this, but I would really really like it. In the UK we can share the maternity leave period (from 5 months old) so I will transfer my leave from that point on to her. This will enable her to do all the bits and bobs she feels she has missed out on, baby groups, school run, swimming lessons etc.. before 5 months we aim to have her at home as much as we can organise. She gets 2 weeks off paternity leave, then because she will accrue holiday in the mat leave period she will have plenty of holiday time to use in those 5 months. We think it would be nice idea for her to have say every Thursday off and do the swimming and things. I plan to use my full 10 KIT days in those first 5 months to build up some funds to allow us to afford her leave at the end. I think it will work out fine!
The only thing to organise before we implement this plan is our donor. We just need him to agree to all of this. He always said we could have as many as we wanted, so I hope this still stands 🙂
Right I’m off to diet.