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Archive for January, 2014

Plans are changing

On Monday Stacy woke up different. It was obvious to me, she was animated, smiley, there was a spring in her step, she kissed me. It was lovely to see her so happy and so back to her old self, I hadn’t noticed just how unhappy she had become. It wasn’t until the contrast of the old Stacy came back that it was so noticeable.

Just as she was about to leave for work she said to me ‘you need to think about if you are willing to carry again’ to which I felt a bit stunned. I didn’t have that much time to think about it on Monday as I was at work, but it certainly implanted the seed of thought into my mind.

On Tuesday I mulled it over, there was a little more discussion on the matter.

On Wednesday I said in the morning, I want to be thinner if I am to be pregnant again. Today I shall diet, to which we both laughed.

We talked about it properly in the evening. Stacy is concerned about the age gap forming between our children. We always intended for our children to come quickly with small gaps for many reasons. It has been over a year of trying with Stacy, we should have our baby by now if our plans had succeeded. Stacy has been thinking back over her life. Her cycles have always been dead regular, almost to the hour, no matter how much she has weighed, how many exercise she has done, what she has been eating etc… she thinks that even with Metformin there is a chance she will never ovulate, and that if she were ever to ovulate, it may take many months to get there.

I think Stacy has been in a grieving process the last couple of months. Ever since that awful doctors appointment. She has come to terms with what might never happen.

We have decided to swap back to trying with me for the next few tries whilst she continues to take the medication.

The plan is as follows:
Me to start trying (next try will be sometime next week!) whilst she still takes the meds and keeps getting blood tests.

If I am not pregnant and she starts ovulating, we shall switch back to her.

If I get pregnant and she starts ovulating, hell we shall try for 4 children (eek!)

If she never shows any signs of ovulating she tried her best and can never look back with regret, but perhaps with a tinge of sadness.

I asked her, ‘if I get pregnant will you feel anything other than joy?’ My amazing Stacy said that she would be lying if she said that there would be no jealousy whatsoever, but joy would be the main emotion at that time. I admire her control over her emotions. I called her a Vulcan at this point, and she laughed.

So I am also in a weird place. I do feel immense sadness for Stacy, for what she is giving up and I had imagined her as a beautiful pregnant lady with a lovely bump. I had imagined myself as a supportive birth partner, I had pictured her breastfeeding and making a brilliant job of it. I am mourning these things also.

I am excited for what I am about to do again, but also a bit scared. I have prevented myself imagining myself pregnant again for fear of getting attached to the idea, and this is why I am feeling the way I am right now. This morning I took my temp, took my folic acid, and peed on an ovulation stick, all things I thought I would never do again. Things Stacy has been doing for over a year.

Neither of us can cope with the idea of stopping at 2 children. We said how can we sell everything? It was all meant to be used again! There has always been a third child in our visions.

If I am lucky enough to fall again we shall do things a bit differently this time. I am going to encourage her to induce lactation, I know she is a bit dubious about this, but I would really really like it. In the UK we can share the maternity leave period (from 5 months old) so I will transfer my leave from that point on to her. This will enable her to do all the bits and bobs she feels she has missed out on, baby groups, school run, swimming lessons etc.. before 5 months we aim to have her at home as much as we can organise. She gets 2 weeks off paternity leave, then because she will accrue holiday in the mat leave period she will have plenty of holiday time to use in those 5 months. We think it would be nice idea for her to have say every Thursday off and do the swimming and things. I plan to use my full 10 KIT days in those first 5 months to build up some funds to allow us to afford her leave at the end. I think it will work out fine!

The only thing to organise before we implement this plan is our donor. We just need him to agree to all of this. He always said we could have as many as we wanted, so I hope this still stands 🙂

Right I’m off to diet.

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Biting!

So since my last post on this subject, Rosa’s biting has got a lot worse. She is biting Charlie at least once daily, she tried to bite my Mum today and she did bite me today. She even drew blood from Charlie today. How am I supposed to handle this? We have got to get this sorted, I can’t risk her biting another child in a social situation, I would be mortified.

At the moment, although she is very young we are using the naughty step, so removing her from the situation, sitting with her, explaining why she should not bite people, showing her the injury, and getting her to apologise and hug. It isn’t deterring her from doing it again!

Any suggestions?

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Bed stowaway

I turned over in my sleep last night and felt something boney in my face which woke me up. I realised that Charlie was sleeping inbetween us. I assumed that he had been brought into the bed by Stacy who obviously had good reason such as him having a nightmare or something, so I tolerated him.

EVEN THOUGH:

He hates to have his legs under the duvet and so kept pulling the covers off me

He wriggles around like a maggot and he has sharp toenails that kept scratching my legs

He was preventing me from sleeping in my favourite positions

and he kept waking me up with his boney elbows!

Stacy had noticed he was there and had assumed something similar to me.

In the morning it was clear he had at some point climbed in with us of his own accord. When we asked him why, he said he had wanted snuggles. Its sorta sweet and sorta annoying at the same time, especially as I have suffered with a sore back all day because of sleeping in weird positions for most of the night, haha.

Anyway, after we had done our food shopping today Stacy asked me if there was anywhere I wanted to go. I said yes, let’s go and buy me a hamster! After months of nagging her, she seemed to *almost* be at the point of agreeing to it provided the cage wasn’t situated where she likes to put her cup of tea.

They had 3 Robo hamsters, all girls from the same litter that needed a home. I had wanted a pair, but seeing as how they don’t home hamsters together from different litters, Stacy felt it a tad cruel to only take 2 of them….so we came away with 3 little critters, and I am in LOVE! Stacy does not know why they give me so much pleasure, and perhaps I don’t either, but they do, and that’s the end of it 🙂

They are called, Lady Bird, Heidi Hi and Minnie Hamster.

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My Dad’s response to them?

‘Cat food’

lol

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I know I know I gush often

but Charlie just amazes me in his swimming lessons.

Over our holiday we swam every day for hours at a time (sometimes 3!) and during that time Charlie lost that small remaining bit of fear about swimming. There wasn’t much fear there to be fair, but if we started a swim, and lost confidence on his ability to reach the goal, he would panic slightly, or reach out for his teacher (or even turn around!)

In today’s lesson he made a leap to carrying on, finding a bit of thrust and reaching those goals. He did wonderful ‘windmill arms’ coming right out of the water in an co-ordination with each other. He was breathing like a pro, several times per swim and his legs were just ace.

I get so emotional during his lessons. He is so focused, so compliant and so motivated. When he achieves a goal, his little face is so lit up, so proud of himself. I get such a rush of love for him in those moments. I look at him in wonder and amazement at his gorgeous personality and his drive to succeed.

And he does have some special qualities. Rosa has started to bite Charlie in retaliation to him doing something she does not like. In her defence, her yelling at him to stop does not stop him. She has found biting to be the only thing that ends whatever it is he is doing to upset her. He tries not to cry when she bites him, the tears are in his eyes and he is angry, but he never retaliates. He never hits back, he never tries to bite her also. I’m tackling this the best way I can by calming explaining to Rosa why she must not bite, and then getting her to apologise and give him a kiss (which she is always willing to do!)

He is also very nurturing. Today I listened to a conversation between them where Charlie was coaching her how to say a word properly. He repeated the word for her slowly and carefully and encouraged her to repeat it after him, which she was doing. After several attempts she managed the word, and he praised her and patted her back. It was so cute. Her language ability is soooo far ahead of his at the same age, she will soon be out talking him I am sure.

Other times I hear him telling Rosa the rules and regulations. Rules he breaks himself! He enforces the rules in just the way I do, by setting them out and then warning of the consequences of breaking them. When she does break them, he tries to put her on the naughty step, and there was an occasion where she did go. I find it interesting he is keen to law enforce things he likes to do himself!

He has a touch of OCD. Now OCD is not something I am prepared to put up with, I am soooo the opposite end of this spectrum. I intend to quash any small signs of it. He got a tiny drop of water on his clothes the other day and declared they needed to go into the washing machine. I told him not to be so ridiculous, that is would dry in a few minutes time. He had a tiny amount of pen on his hand earlier and wouldn’t use the finger the pen was on, instead holding it up and out of the way. He was requesting I wiped this ink off before he continued. I refused, telling him it was fine to get a bit messy, to carry on having fun, and that we would clean him up at the end. He took the advice and enjoyed the rest of the art activity without worrying about the pen getting on his hands. I truly hope I am doing him a favour here.

Anyway, he is my boy, and he is amazing, and I am an emotional Mummy who can not imagine life without him.

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Center Parcs

Well I am glad to announce that I did indeed wake up feeling a lot better on Monday morning and we were able to go on holiday as planned.

I had been a little apprehensive at holidaying with friends as I had only met her husband once fleetingly. I needn’t have been worried, we all got along really well and I really liked him. We played Scrabble, ate takeaway together, chatted about if Cher might actually be a robot, taught Emma how to knit (holes are an attractive bonus), went swimming together, talked a LOT about chickens and read stories to each others children. I think we shall for sure holiday together again at some point. They have already invited us to tag along with them to Holland in the summer.

We mostly spent our time swimming. We officially have 2 adrenaline junkie children. Rosa at the age of 22 months was demanding to go down the slides and flumes. She was jumping into the water and dunking herself under all the time. She would yell ‘ready steady go!’ and if you didn’t dunk her immediately she would scream. We were passing her backwards and forwards under the water to each other constantly. I was exhausted! People watching were astounded by her demanding and her water confidence. Of course Charlie was swimming around, spending more time underwater than above and she just wanted to copy her big brother. He loves his goggles.

There was a hairy moment (Charlie gets ‘ideas’) where he had just come down one of the children’s flumes. Stacy was putting him on at the top and I was watching at the end. I saw him get a twinkle in his eye (an idea!) and he turned around and started walking back up the flume!! I ran to the bottom and yelled ‘Charlie, CHARLIE!!’ up but he either could not hear me, or ignored me. I knew what was about to happen. A few seconds later out came a huge man holding Charlie to his chest, both of them pretty stunned. He told me he had banged his head on the impact. I think he learned his lesson, at least I hope he did. I was a little mad at the man coming down the children’s flumes without a child, but it really wasn’t his fault…..

I took our annual family outside portrait, and we also had an indoor studio shoot for which I am yet to see the results.

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On the Tuesday my Mum and Dad joined us as and we swam, ate burgers, played Pirate Adventure Golf (mega cute), did some soft play coffee sitting, ate a curry and chased some ducks along the beach. It was so nice to have them come along, and my Dad was in such a good mood! (not always a given) and he paid for EVERYTHING! woohoo!

Apart from that we just enjoyed each others company, rode our bikes, walked in the woodlands, played on the play areas and did lots of eating.

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On the Monday morning Stacy went for a blood test to see if the Metformin had helped her ovulate this month. The doctor kindly rang us to let us know that it hadn’t. She increases her dose again from now. We did quite a bit of talking about the family planning whilst we were there. We are so not sure what we actually want anymore. We have been forced to imagine ourselves stopping at 2 children, and we can both envision what that would be like, but it just doesn’t feel quite right. We will continue to re-evaluate each month, check in on each others thoughts and feelings and hopefully reach a good place by the time any further decisions need to be made.

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Where is Charlie?

I just had one of the most awful feelings ever.

The children had been in bed for 2 hours

Stacy went upstairs to fetch something and noticed that Charlie’s light was on in his room. When she went in, his bed was empty. She searched the whole of upstairs before coming downstairs in a slight panic saying she couldn’t find Charlie.

I ran upstairs with her and we searched under the beds, in cupboards, in every room. He wasn’t there. I felt sick. I started calling his name out loudly. We had been playing hide and seek earlier in the day and I had visions of him trapping himself somewhere and suffocating, or what if someone can come in the back door and taken him?!!? I started calling for him even louder.

We came downstairs to search and found him fast asleep under the dining room table.

The relief was intense. We both grabbed him and held him and he woke up suddenly sensing our panic and he began crying.

Stacy took him back up to bed, but the feeling remained. Awful.

We spent the weekend with our friend Diti, who I have reconnected with recently. She was my best friend at university but since then has suffered very serious mental health problems. You may remember our last visit with her did not go smoothly, but thankfully this trip went very well. We spent yesterday at the zoo, and really did have a fab time there, the children were very well behaved and she spoiled them with buying them presents. We went shopping this morning and I am currently sitting in a ‘post shopping high’ feeling knowing I bought some lovely new clothes 😀

Whilst we were out shopping I started getting pains in both of my legs and began to feel sick. I couldn’t eat my lunch (deffo something wrong if I can’t eat my lunch!!) after we had dropped her at the station and got home my head was thumping. I felt feverish and I thought I was most likely coming down with the flu. Great. We go on holiday tomorrow for a week and I am getting the flu.

I spent several hours in bed shivering and coping with the pain in my lower bad and legs. I got up eventually and hobbled downstairs. I began to feel better and now I feel ok. Quite delicate, but ok. So what was all that about? I wonder if I just had my first ever migraine? Does migraine cause intense lower bad pain and pain in your legs as well as shivering?

Anyway, hope I wake up in the morning feeling normal and ready for our holiday.

I’ll leave you with a few Charlie kidisms from the past week or so

‘Mummy, what time is it?’ I look at my watch and tell him the time.
‘Mummy, what time is it on that clock?’ pointing to wall clock.
The same time sweetie
Don’t you just wonder what goes on in their little minds while trying to figure out the world?

 

Charlie said to me,’I am not happy, in fact, I am sad’
To which I said , ‘oh dear, how can I make you happy again?’
And he said ‘make me some food’.

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365 Photo Challenge

I always like a new project and thought this one fitted me well. It will be even more fun with the arrival of my new lens this morning!! (sooo excited)
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I am living in constant fear that I will ‘forget’ to take a photo one day and RUIN the project. You can’t get the day back can you? Forget and that’s it, ruined I tells ya! I think I might have to leave post it notes around the house as reminders. I pretty much always do take a photo, but I want these photos to be beautiful and tell a story, not just any old photos 😉

I’ll make a photo book at the end of the year.

Should I share them with the blog also? It would be too much to add them in one big post, so I keep up the motivation to complete this project I might add them at the end of each month.

I hope it will also motivate me to lead an enriched and interesting life. Who knows, there may be a BFP pee stick photo one day this year. That would be amazing wouldn’t it?

Stacy is still feeling pretty sick daily on her new meds. She has to up the dose this week but we have decided to wait until the nausea settles on this lower dose before doing so. We go on holiday on Monday for a week as well and we don’t want her to feel sick all week whilst we are there.

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